Mildly Entertaining Advice: 5 Tips for Christmas
Hello again, it's me! Back again with some more questionable/mildly entertaining advice to spice up your holiday season. For some reason, you all liked my Thanksgiving article, so I'm here in the spirit of the gift-giving season to spread the joy of family, friends, and the possibility of my advice making something go terribly wrong. Nevertheless, we forge on! This may or may not just be me using this as one big gift to avoid actually getting gifts, but I admit to nothing.
Ah, yes one of the most fun and most difficult parts of the holiday season. Now, I'm not a psychic, therefore I cannot tell you exactly what your best friend wants for Christmas, but I can give you a bit of an idea of what guidelines work best. In my own opinion and the opinion of many people I've asked, if you can't eat it, use it, or wear it, they more than likely won't want it. If you are totally lost on what to buy them, gag gifts, inside joke gifts, and homemade gifts are always a great alternative. Finally, if you're really unsure or don't know a person well, gift cards and just plain old cash work best.
You have all your gifts, even that limited edition sweater for Aunt Brenda that cost an arm, leg, and possibly your first born child when suddenly you remember. You suck at gift wrapping. Don't panic, I suck at it too and I'm here to say. It doesn't matter! There are a few loopholes to this issue. First off, just put everything in gift bags, stick some colorful tissue paper on top and suddenly you're the talk of the Christmas party. The second option, gift boxes, sure not everything fits in a box, but they're great for clothes. Lastly, honestly just do your best with the paper and slap a bow on top. You know why? It's literally just going to get shredded.
I'm not going to go into too much detail, because my Thanksgiving article covered pretty much everything you should know. However, there is one thing I'd like to touch on for any big family dinner. The passing of the food. Everyone is in their seat, people are hungry, we're ready to eat, so now you have to get the food to the actual plates. It's time to begin passing it around, but for the love of all that is holly jolly, please go in ONE direction. I'm not talking about the band, no, I'm talking about clockwise and counterclockwise. Pick one and move all dishes in that direction. I can't put into words how confusing it is when people are just handing things left and right. Someone is passing potatoes halfway across the table, someone else nearly spilled the gravy into their lap, that may have been ham flying past my head, and the green beans might as well have turned into Peter Pan and flown away because you're never going to see them again. Clockwise or counterclockwise, pick one people.
Sparkly, over the top light displays, are an essential part of Christmas. You know what that means? It means you are required to be a good sport and at least act interested when someone yells “lights!” whenever you pass anything with a single bulb on it. Yes, we are going to drive around the rich people neighborhoods and admire the 25 different synchronized holiday displays, so don’t forget your Christmas spirit. Make sure you check your pockets. No, I haven’t seen it! Did you leave it in your other coat?! Gosh darn it, where’s Rudolph's nose when you need it?!
This last part is not something many people talk about. Yes, there is a right way to clean up after all the kiddos have turned the living room into a wrapping paper Santa graveyard. Wrapping paper gets gathered up and put into a trash bag. Unfortunately, unless you do that “I’m going to open this as slow as possible because we have to save this beautiful paper!” thing then that paper is done for. Don’t be too hasty though, because all those bows, yeah those we’re saving. They’re all going to be fished out of the wrapping paper sea and hoarded away for another 10 years. Turn it into a game for the little kids, whoever finds the most gets nothing but bragging rights, still fun though. Also included in the save category is gift bags and tissue paper. Those things are expensive so fold up that tissue paper and pile up those gift bags. Do it right and those things will last for years.
Alright, folks! This has been yet another journey through the ghost of advice present. I hope you find this somehow helpful or maybe just a bit silly. Either way, I’ve done my job, so go throw a snowball in your brother's face or something. Here’s to a Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Eat a cookie for me. Until next time this has been Mildly Entertaining Advice.